[10] high

It is day one of my t-break, only hours since the last toke which I can still feel in this anxious non-locused worry that jumps from place to place.  Everything is dirty.  I feel like I wasn’t even here for the last five days.  At the party, this is another thing I was thinking laying there in that warm warm soft womb-like bed so warm I just don’t want to get up even with a full aching bladder, at the party it was like I wasn’t a person.  I felt like a non-person.  I felt like an automaton, an actor, a method actor in a really bad tv show about two high school girls. EDIT but they aren't high school girls that's obvious they actually have jobs

Ive still got coffee and alcohol I suppose.  Spent all day yesterday uploading a video to youtube only to have the audio immediately disabled.  Working a work around solution soon.  Its very very easy to start getting depressed and bored so I have to be careful these next few days.

Here’s another thing I’ve been thinking about.  Just this huge difference in what was then and what is now, this huge distance between that place and this place, just going from one part of Texas to another and already a huge difference.  I try to be the kind of guy who says tribal mentalities are old and devisive and lead to wars and death and disparagies in wealth happiness health and education.  Us and them ideas.  I like the idea of just us.  And that us includes the animals we care for, eat, or don’t care for.  Everything here is us.  I like that thinking. 

But on these examples I ponder I start to feel a tribal solution is better.  When you mix in a quiet gay boy with redneck anti-intellectualist homophobes…  I was just remembering this morning in my bed I remembered the kid I used to know in high school who posted a long entry on his xanga about the stunningly beautiful quarterback who just happened to shake hands with him during the "peace be with you" part of the mass,  you know the tall young football player whose mom is a teacher at the feeder school, he with the strong cheekbones and golden wheat hair and stature like a 1950’s james dean, at our school anyway.  He said he wanted to beat the gay kids ass to nothing but UNFAIRLY could NOT because it would dumbly be considered some kind of retarded ass hate crime bullshit right.

Then just last week I was at Oak Lawn in dallas for the Halloween block party.  Just the stark difference in how dangerous and miserable life for that kid would be then and how prominent and promiscuous things were now…   That makes me feel like us and them is valid someways and safer in someways and happier for everyone I guess.  I want to move to Seattle for these reasons.  But I’ve been stuck in Texas all my life still stuck stuck by school stuck by jobs stuck by narrow outlooks on my own future and my own abilities dwindling and what do I have to show for the last 5 years but a piece of paper stored in a box somewhere in the attic.